Catacombs ~ S&B bare their souls ~ March 6, 1997
Cathy (CATKNSN@hotmail.com)

Sonny is having a dream about Deke beating him up and threatening him.) He wakes with a start.

B: Sonny? Hey…you okay? You need to breathe, okay, breathe like that. (She cups her hand over his mouth; he is hyperventilating, totally freaked out.)

S: I'm breathing…

B: Good.

S: I'm allright, I'm allright. You awake? (He sees Brenda shivering and pulls her to him)

B: Thank you.

S: How are you doing?

B: Okay. I feel so sick. That's how I am. It's hard to be brave when you're staring right through me. (Cathy in: No kidding, Brenda, did it take you this long to remember that you are an open book to Sonny?)

S: How long since your last pill?

B: The morning … that Harry got me.

S: And before that?

B: I don't know…my hip hurts sometimes, I told you that.

S: How many do you take? How many?

B: A lot. The whole time I've been in here, the only thing I've been thinking about is… If I could have just just gotten to that pharmacy before Harry picked me up, I know I'd be fine right now. I'd be feeling - I'd be feeling trapped and I'd feel scared, the way I do right now, but I think that I'd be okay. Listen to that, I'd be okay if I had my pills…in here. That's not normal, is it? Oh my God…Harry was right.

S: Harry-

B: -No, don't do that for me right now. Harry was right. (nodding) (Sonny says nothing, just draws her to him so that her head is on his shoulder) (She whispers "Oh, God…")

S: How long?

B: This summer, when I started modeling…I took them every time my hip hurt. Then one session, I just took them, you know, even before it started hurting and during prep time, when everybody's staring at me and picking me apart, that's usually when I feel like I'm gonna throw up…Ah, and that time I didn't, it was so great. So then I just started taking them every time I was modeling…and I don't know what happened, I just started taking them all the time after that, whenever I felt stressed or tired or when I-

S: Jax never noticed?

B: I used to take them right in front of Jax! (I love her tone of voice here! She sounds mocking, even scornful.) They're prescribed drugs, it's not like they make me high.

S: Just makes everything better, right?

B: You know when Harry was calling me a junkie, I was thinking, he's crazy, you know, he's just trying to hurt you or hurt me, but …. Oh, Sonny. I can't even explain to you the feeling that I am having right now. I mean, Jax can't fix this, you can't fix this, even if we got saved right this second it would not fix the feeling that I am having right now. My pills can fix this and that's it. Oh, God, how I could let this happen to me?

S: You got a problem, at least you know about it - you get help.

B: Yeah, if we ever get out of here.

S: I tell you what, I can start digging again but I don't think that's going to get us anywhere and it burns oxygen. The chance that we got is that maybe the explosion hit up there, right? And somebody comes to investigate.

B: How long have we been down here?

S: Maybe fifteen hours since the bomb went off.

B: What do you think is going to happen to us?

S: We'll close our eyes, fall asleep and never wake up.

B: Are you serious? You think if we fall asleep, we're gonna die?

S: Yeah.

B: I'm not ready to die.

S: Neither am I. (He pulls her close again, so they are cheek to cheek.)

B: When do you think it's going to happen?

S: I don't know….maybe the next time we fall asleep, I think. The air's getting thick and I don't know about you but I'm starting…I'm starting to feel a little tired, a little disoriented.

B: Yeah, well, I'm definitely feeling something. I thought it was just withdrawals though…maybe I'm starting to get claustrophobic. We're pretty pathetic, aren't we? So screwed up we don't even know when we're dying.

S: A match made in Heaven. (Oh, Sonny, let me tell you how right you are!)

B: Can I ask you a question?

S: Yeah.

B: If we're gonna end…die…what are we doing here? I mean, what did Harry have to do with Lily's death, I don't understand it?

S: He betrayed me to Rivera. When I told you I was going back to Lily - she was on her way to Puerto Rico, to stop her father from killing me. I got her off the plane, but what I didn't realize was Harry had made the call to Rivera.

B: Why?

S: If we had run off together, there'd have been a war. Too many people would have been hurt. Besides, Harry loved Lily and he knew what I was doing to her…it was wrong. So, Harry made the call…Rivera started planning. The next day Lily told Rivera she was coming to Puerto Rico, so he figured that was a safe time to make a move. He told his hit man that if he got me and the pretty girl with dark hair…so the hit man followed us to Luke's and Lily died.

B: For me.

S: For both of us. I saw Harry after Lily's funeral…he already looked like he was in Hell. I should have killed him then, but Lily wouldn't have wanted me to hurt somebody for her. So I let him go. That was a mistake that you're paying for, one of many.

B: You know, for so long, I thought that your world was so romantic…and sexy. But it really is ugly, isn't it?

S: You choose that life when you're young and desperate. The only thing it'll cost you is your life, and that's not worth much anyway. All you see is the power, you can't plan on the future, you don't think about waking up with someone you love. (Brenda looks at him as though she finally, finally "gets it". ) And when it happens, you keep on lying because as long as she believes it, because, look, if you tell her the truth you could lose her, how could you lose the one person who means everything to you?

B: You know you wouldn't have lost me.

S: I did. (He pulls her close to him once again, they lean their heads together)

(Next scene; they are sitting, with their foreheads touching)

B: You want to know what the worst day of my life was? It wasn't when you found the wire on me. It wasn't even the night you left me standing, out in the rain. It was…when you got back from Puerto Rico, and you found me with Miguel, and you called me a whore, and I thought that I was…

S: Sorry…

B: You know, for one second, right before your eyes went all cold, I saw how much I hurt you. That's why I did it. It didn't make me feel any better, it never does. (Brenda admits that she does things solely to hurt Sonny, for reasons she doesn't understand...uh, like marrying Jax, Brenda?)

S: For me either…

B: Why do we keep on doing it? Why can't we just stop hurting each other?

S: 'Cause you can't tear your own heart out. No matter how much it hurts. You can't walk away from us. (He takes her hand in his and kisses it.) You're a part of me Brenda…I love you. (She gives him this smile as though she has completely forgotten that she's in withdrawal and that they are probably dying.)